Last weekend, Neill Blomkamp’s “Chappie” opened to tepid (at best) reviews and lackluster box-office totals. We at The Last Row couldn’t care less about snarky critics or sales figures. We came for the robots and stayed for the talents of Die Antwoord. On the robot front, Chappie did not disappoint. At movie’s end, it had us wondering: where does Chappie fit amongst the greatest movie robots of all time? We had work to do…
The following is The Definitive Last Row(BOT) Rankings. This list is not intended to determine which robot movie is best, but to scientifically rank the build and effectiveness of the bots that are featured within. Emotion was taken out of the equation, as we we used the 1’s and 0’s to rank the top ten and declare a true winner.
All bots were scored on 1-10 scale in five key categories:
Strength – how much does it bench?
Intelligence – are it smart and stuff?
Wit – is it funny on purpose or accidentally funny?
Trust – will it kill all humans?
Beauty – Hot or not?
Disclaimer: We know the difference between Androids, Cyborgs, and Robots. If anybody would like to debate us on that issue, may we direct you HERE?
There were so many favorites to sift through that, unfortunately, cuts had to be made. Much respect goes out to Paulie’s Robot from Rocky IV, Gerty 3000, Dot Matrix, and D.A.R.Y.L. We can’t all be winners!
Alright, let’s get into down to it!
The Definitive Last Row(BOT) Ranking
10. Evil Bill and Ted (Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey)
Evil Bill and Ted are exact robot replicas of human Bill and Ted, except they are totally uncool “evil metal dickweeds”, as Bill perfectly states. These two replicas score closely resembles what the actual Bill and Ted might score on such a scale. The bots get an uptick in strength and +1 on intelligence to their counterparts, but a low score in Trust, due to trying to dismantle a Utopian society and all. Total dick move, brahs. As for giving “full on robot chubbies”, Keanu scores a 10 for beauty, But Alex Winter brings the mean back down to 5.
9. Wall-E (Wall-E)
Wall-E is a “clean-up” robot who develops sentience after 700 years of cleaning up Earth on his own. He’s a loner and has a pretty positive attitude for a bot with real feels being left alone for centuries. He’s a wimp and kind of a simpleton, but he’s funny without saying a word, is a friend to all space humans, and is just so friggin adorable. He even pulls in a way-too-out-of-his-league Eve. Props.
8. Wafflebot (A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas)
He’s a lovable waffle-making robot, who was given to Harold and Kumar by Neil Patrick Harris. All he wanted was a friend, and when an abusive NPH passed him along to Kumar, an eternal bond was formed. Wafflebot is a shrimp and only knows two things: waffles and friendship, and his trust to humankind is only equaled by his cuteness. Plus, dude has pancake disses for days.
7. Sid 6.7 (Virtuosity)
Sid 6.7 is a computer program made up of over 150 serial killers, who somehow injects his CPU into nano-machine android. What? Never mind how it happened, just know that he’s a deadly bot that’s smarter, funnier, and more handsome than Denzel Washington, who is the only man that can track him down, obviously. Sid would’ve scored a perfect 10 for “beauty,” but this happened.
6. Lisa (Weird Science)
The only “female” of the group, Lisa makes a strong showing at number 6. The brainchild of two horny teenage dweebs, Lisa gives her makers the self-confidence needed to survive in an 80’s teen comedy. Only major points docked were for physical strength, but maybe that’s for the best. If Gary and Wyatt would’ve tried to “get physical” with her, it may have resulted in some “broken limbs”. Teledildonics were not as advanced in the 80’s as they are today…. or so we’ve heard.
5. David (Prometheus)
David is a synthetic android who served as a crew member aboard the USCSS Prometheus, tasked to assist human scientists search for answers about humanity’s past. David was a bit of a smug prick, whose motives were unclear throughout most of the film. He is brilliantly enhanced not only with supreme knowledge of endless data, but also equipped with the understanding of basic human emotion – rare in most robots. He understands and applies humor when necessary, and rates fairly highly on the “beauty” scale, for ladies who like their droids with Fassbender-ish qualities. Bonus points for his basketball skills.
4. Chappie (Chappie)
A police droid, who is programmed as the first robot with the ability to think and feel for itself, Chappie is well balanced in all five categories. Since he gained sentience with the mind of an infant, these abilities had to be developed. He’s funny by accident, but he understands the inner workings of human consciousness, so I guess he’s a bit brainy. Unfortunately, his trust can only go as far as his parents’ teachings. Strength points for whipping Wolverine’s ass.
3. Johnny 5 (Short Circuit)
This is why we don’t play favorites. If it were up to human emotion, Johnny 5 would’ve taken the gold. J5 scored just fine however, due to being the Jerry Seinfeld of robot wit, and his willingness to fight for what’s right. Points are docked because he’s a tad ugly, but it’s part of his charm, and he can be powered down by a push of a button, so strength takes a hit. However, if low on battery, just call on his insultingly not-Indian maker, Ben, to avoid disassembly.
2. R2D2 (Star Wars)
Everyone’s favorite astromech droid is our runner-up, clearly excelling in all but the strength category. Although he gets a “1” in strength, rest assured he is still tougher than his pansy-ass partner. The rest of the categories speak for themselves, with a bleep here and a boop there, his humor and smarts are rivaled by no other droid, and his lack of a memory wipe leads him to a chart-busting 11 on the human trust scale. We’re pretty sure R2 was the inspiration for that Rick Astley song. The lyrics describe him perfectly.
1. T-800 (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
Narrowly defeating a small, funny, beeping ball of trust, the T-800 is your reigning, defending, undisputed robot champion of the world! We chose the “T-2” version, and if you don’t agree with us, please watch this instructional video. His strength is immeasurable, and his trust is 100%. He literally WILL NOT STOP until his mission is complete without causing human casualties. No really, he swears! His intelligence is a bit questionable, but he is a quick study, what with his Neural Net Processor and all. He’s mostly witty by accident, and his beauty speaks for itself. Game over.
We trust that the system computed the correct ranking, and we stand by our champion. However, the top score of 39/50 leaves the door open for any number of future movie robots to one day snatch that top spot. We can only hope, although the next five robot movies will most certainly be Transformer movies…
Do you agree with our list? Disagree? Drop us a line and chime in! Also be sure to check out our “Chappie” podcast episode for our thoughts on that movie, and much more on this list.